Everyone is fighting a battle you don't know about - be kind

This month is Maternal Mental Health Awareness month. Honestly, never thought I would even have to think about this never mind go through it and realise just how real this is for mothers. Post-natal depression is something that around one in five mothers go through after giving birth, it's not always something new mothers go through straight away - it can actually take up to a year to take effect. It is important to remember, if you are going through it you are not alone and it is okay to not be 100% all the time.

There is still a very real stigma around mental health and when it comes to maternal mental health it is no different. Your life has been turned upside down and you all of a sudden have this new baby to take care of. It can be overwhelming, even when you have had nine months to prepare - or not in my case. I am going to tell you about my experience with post natal depression and anxiety.

Obviously as you know, my child was the biggest surprise of my life. She came into my life after fifteen minutes of me knowing I was pregnant. Honestly I think the shock of her arrival was the reason I didn't realise I was going through depression until just after her first birthday. When I first had Aurora I threw myself into being a mother, I read blogs about what I should do, I sought advise from family and friends. I tried to be the best mother I could be. Honestly the fact that I had no preparation I think helped me, I didn't have any preconceived ideas of what I should be doing, or what I should have or even how to look after a baby. I was just thrown into being a mother and my instincts took over. They always say the best way to learn is on the job and hey that's what I did!

So the first couple of months were actually not bad, it was a life adjustment for sure but I was so focussed on Aurora and being the best person I could be for her. I was out of the house with her in three days and thought I was doing really well. To be honest Aurora was a really easy tiny baby. The biggest shock to my system after having a baby was actually slowing down. I was always so focussed on work that when Aurora came along I had all this extra time on my hands. I started thinking about where I had been in my life and where I was going. It was the future that scared me, I was being a Mummy and that was amazing but also so scary. I didn't know what I was doing and after reading and looking online and at social media I found myself in a dark place, I lost belief in myself, I started to think I wasn't capable and I would let Aurora down and in thinking that I spiralled into a deep, deep hole that I didn't know if I could come out of.

Even after going through all that I didn't want - no I wasn't ready - to admit that something was wrong, so I kept going. I enrolled in the Open University, don't get me wrong, that is definitely something I did on a whim. I was missing my job and felt lost as to what and who I was. I just wasn't myself anymore. By that I mean, I had gone from working ALL the hours and being a manager to just being a mother and I was feeling like I wasn't me anymore. I had become a different person with different responsibilities and I was struggling to adjust to my new life. So the Open University for me was a way to get some purpose back and make me feel like I was working towards something. It worked for a while. I was distracted and concentrating on my work and then I was losing motivation and I began to spiral downward again.

It was about 6 months after that, that I started noticing that I was snappy and getting annoyed with Aurora for no reason what so ever and I was taking my emotions out on her and those I loved. In all honesty I made about five doctors appointments before actually going to one. I was put on anti depressants and I was referred for cognitive behavioural therapy.

My life with Aurora before I went to the doctor was put on hold because I didn't want to leave the house as I was scared people were judging me, even though they didn't know the situation I was in. My mind was playing tricks on me and making me cut to the worst case scenario straight away. I was paranoid and convinced people were staring at me thinking what a bad mother I was. When in reality this was not the case. Therapy helped me get to the point where I was and am proud of the mother I am to Aurora and I came to realise that the odds of the "worst case scenario" actually occurring was so slim. Then once that fear was alleviated and I started thinking about what was best for Aurora and myself that's when everything clicked into place!

Going through any mental health problems after having a child is totally normal and nothing to be ashamed of. It took me a while to get to the point where I could admit to myself that this was something I was going through. Getting the help I so clearly needed was a massive step but one of the best decisions I ever made. The step I took has bought me to where I am today and, yes Aurora can be a bloody nightmare but she is the best thing that has ever happened to me and in going through that with her, I found myself.

Honestly, new mother's put so much pressure on themselves to be the "perfect mum". Social media plays a massive part in people doubting themselves, I know it did for me. Just be yourself for both you and your baby. Trust me. It is hard, but it does get easier... I think. I mean honestly Aurora just hit the terrible twos, so I really want to be positive! Just remember there is no such thing as a "perfect mum". Find your own path and if you find yourself comparing your life with others on social media then pull away and think about the positives in your life.

So in this Maternal Mental Heath Awareness month, remember everyone is fighting a battle that you are unaware of, whether it be maternal or otherwise. Remember to be kind, always.

Many thanks, sincerely