Morning - at least I think it is morning!
Haven't slept more than three hours a night for the last four nights.... and you know what, it isn't even because of the dummies. That was sorted night one.... no, this is because I won't give her as much squash anymore. It isn't even like I have stopped giving it to her completely. Just at night time! This struggle is real!
So this was written at 2am Sunday night -
Honestly right, I just can't get her to sleep. I am (moderately) calm. She is not! Think I am going to have to write apology notes to all my neighbours because this screaming is an absolute nightmare. Poor Ralph! He is just snuggling up to me and nudging me and honestly I don't know if I am crying because I can't settle Aurora or because I actually think Ralph understands me better than anyone one of my friends. Honestly I can totally see why America allows emotional support animals! It is a genius idea! So it is now 2.30am. I have moved to the edge of my bed so that I can get up and down more easily. You know what keeps passing through my mind... people choose this life! LIKE WHY!? I mean in all honesty; I totally want more children but there is no way in hell I am doing it on my own again - NO WAY.
Woooo silence.....
Nope spoke too soon.
3am.... I dozed off for ten minutes, the deepest ten-minute sleep I have ever had, only to be woken up by screaming. Legit, she just wants squash and I was actually so close to giving in this time, but then I thought of the last hour and a half and was like... maattee this is not all for nothing, sort it out. Nice little pep talk at 3.30am.
She then went to sleep - we have been up since half five.
So the chain of events above, has happened pretty much at the same time every night since last Thursday. I think Aurora is one of the best kids out there and honestly, I know that she is a lovely, lovely little girl but it isn't easy all the time. Every child has their difficult moments. What I am trying to say in a roundabout way is, I know I am doing the best I can do to bring up Aurora to be the best version of herself and I know that these tantrums are just a phase. For those of you struggling, no one has it easy when bringing up kids and if they say they do then they are lying! What I have learnt this week is that it isn't all good night's sleeps and laughter, but it is just a phase - and maybe if I tell myself that enough she won't be in this phase anymore!
Honestly though, this past week has been hard, I have been really teary, and my PTSD has returned - yay for me. I know it is all probably to do with the lack of sleep, but I have realised just how important it is for you to have a solid support system around you. It isn't all unicorns and rainbows and I know that a lot of the time I am this confident, happy person but I have my own stuff going on too. Sometimes, instead of being that shoulder for people to cry on or rant to, I need a shoulder to cry on or rant to. So Phoebe... I am sorry that you got the brunt of that this week, you did good boo.
So, I am all for seeing the positives and actually this week I realised that I have more people around me that want to support me than I first thought, not because they weren't there before but because I didn't want to be "that" person. So hey, silver linings for me, I have a few more people to rant to... sorry not sorry! So thank you to those people, and I am so sorry about my breakdown a couple of nights ago... now there's a story for you!
Right, so, basically it was maybe half ten at night and I had just got into bed with Ralph and all of a sudden there was this massive bang. Ralph barked, I screamed, Aurora stayed sound asleep - you know because that stuff doesn't wake her. So anyway, really loud bang. I get out of bed and I turn on ALL the lights. Nothing. So I am convinced someone is trying to get in my front door. So I take my trusty Ralphie downstairs, unlatch everything and... nothing. So we go back up to bed. I am there just trying to find an insta caption for a cute pic of Rory and Ralph and there's another less prominent bang! But I am like okay, something just has to have fallen down, it'll be okay. I continue to look for a caption, I am messaging my mate, then I get it in my head that someone was trying to get in my front door, and they want to kill me - that'll teach me to watch scary movies on my own! So I am messaging my friend, in all CAPS because you know, that's just what you do when you are panicking and I am telling him quite literally my dying wishes and who to call if I do die and who it probably was so he can help the police with the investigation!!
NEVER AGAIN AM I WATCHING SCARY MOVIES ON MY OWN!!! - now this movie was called "Get Out!" I didn't even think it was that bad when I was watching it, but it niggles away at your brain until you are super paranoid about everything.
So, back to reality, the dummies are still in the bin and I haven't brought anymore - good from me. The potty training is.... ummmm.... hard to say the least. I decided on Friday to take a different approach and to put her back into nappies and to limit her drinking. I realised that she drinks a hell of a lot. Not just squash but water too, it was like she had a constant drip throughout the day. So I have got her off the sippy cup in the day, and she has a glass of water/squash with her meals and snacks and then has her bottle at night time with WATER. I was hoping that, that way it would become a little more "predictable" as to when she would need to go to the toilet. So we shall see this week if it has worked. I will keep you updated - got nothing better to be doing!
In other news this week - we went for a walk in the rain... got soaked. I accidentally brought the dark version of my fake tan... please see results below!
Please pray for me... actually scrap that, pray for Aurora, my patience can only tolerate so much on a limited amount of sleep!
Many thanks, sincerely