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“If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

Hi everyone,

I have watched "Moulin Rouge!" seven times since last Thursday. Admittedly I have a little obsession with the movie and with Ewan McGregor. This movie makes me cry every single time- yes that is a lot of tears over the course of the week. I just love it so much! The songs, Ewan McGregor, the romance, Ewan McGregor, the story, you know and Ewan McGregor.

Aurora has started this new thing, where every man she sees is Dad. whether it is one of my friends or the postman, even a guy at the checkout, she said "Cuddles with Dad, this is my Mummy". I mean either she is playing the whole child card to get me a date or she has been watching far too much Peppa Pig! She does this at the most random times too, and honestly it is hysterical! I mean I was shocked the first time she did it but now it is just funny!

I decided to treat Aurora to a new duvet cover set this week. So I ordered it off Amazon on Tuesday and it arrived on Wednesday (yesterday). We were tracking the parcel on my phone because I told her that I had gotten her a surprise present. So, she was getting overly excited, I felt like I was winning at this whole parenting thing!

So the parcel turns up, and Rory says, "Thank you, Dad" to the delivery man - I mean if that isn't a face palm moment I don't know what is! So after assuring this man that everything is okay and encouraging him to go about his day. We come back upstairs and open said present. Her face, I have never seen it light up more than it did when she saw Peppa. So we put her new bedding on, and I literally had to carry her out of there to go to the shops! So yes, basically, she is very, very happy with her new bedding, so much so that for about an hour yesterday, she was in and out of my room and her room shouting - "MUMMY COME AND TAKE A LOOK." So I am there thinking oh goodness, she's got everything out of her drawers again to "try and help mummy tidy", but no she climbs into bed and says, "Look Mummy, I am snuggly and warm with Peppa and rainbows!"

Don't get me wrong she can be a little devil, but she is the sweetest thing when she does stuff like this!

At the moment I realised that I am struggling with being alone, not because I don't like being alone, but because I feel lonely. So I have made it my mission to really conquer being alone without feeling lonely. I know there will be people out there who will say, "You aren't alone you have Aurora." While I totally appreciate that, and I am literally never alone, sometimes I do feel lonely. But I have decided to really work on myself and practice "self-love".

I have realised this week, that actually, for the first time in a long, long time I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone. I just want to put Aurora and myself first. Now, there is nothing new about putting Aurora first, she comes first in absolutely everything I do. But putting myself first is something that is actually completely alien to me. I am hoping that by doing this I will actually learn to love myself again, and to be honest, I am not even sure I can say "again", after that phrase because I am not sure I have ever actually loved myself. Boo hoo me right - not how it was intended! Also though, as I think about this whole - how to be alone without being lonely - thing. Just makes me think, if I can't be alone with myself, without feeling lonely, then why would anyone else want to spend time with me? Wow!!! That was deeper than I was expecting. I guess that's something to think about on this whole journey.

My plan is to find things to do that keep me busy and make me happy. I did some baking yesterday.... I made unicorn biscuits! They were absolutely revolting, in my opinion! I think I just like store bought shortbread so much that nothing I could make would top it. Rory on the other hand is none the wiser - sucker! - so she loves them!

The point of that was, I think I lost sight of what I enjoyed and the things I did in my spare time before I had Aurora. It is so easy to do, purely because I wanted to focus all my attention on her, but in doing that I lost myself somewhere along the way! So I am going to go and find me - Eat, Pray, Love style!

So I shall continue with the yoga, the face masks, Moulin Rouge! and of course surprising Rory with unicorn biscuits and Peppa bedding - maybe not those things exactly but you get where I am coming from. This next phase of my life is about me, Rory is sorted, she starts nursery in September, she has everything she could ever want. So now, it is my turn. My turn to be selfish and put myself first.

In the words of Ru Paul, “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”

Stay tuned to see how long this lasts....

Many thanks, sincerely

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