Hi everyone!
Honestly, I have just been non-stop over the last few weeks, thank you to everyone who has kept me busy and have been looking out for me - snaps to you!
Anyway, I was thinking the other day about Aurora (no sh*t right!). The fact that I am raising a tiny human has really sunk in and honestly it scares the crap out of me. Like babies are easy, you feed them, change them, let them sleep. Rory is now two and a half, she still sometimes naps in the day but other than that she really does need to be constantly doing something to keep her busy. Now, don't get me wrong, it is great. It is amazing even, but it is hard work. I have gotten to the point where I can't sit down for ten minutes with some coffee before Rory comes bundling in wanting to move onto the next thing. She loves painting, drawing and even doing "important work on Mummy's work computer" - as she says. I am just worried that this isn't enough. Like, every now and then a thought comes into my head like "what if I f*ck this kid up?" or "what if I am not doing enough to push her and that affects her future". These are like proper real thoughts that I just can't shake, and I am so, so worried that I am not doing enough for her, enough for her to reach her full potential or pushing her hard enough.
Now, don't get me wrong, she is starting nursery soon and I know that that will be good for both of us, it will encourage her social skills and the staff are trained to notice and nurture the child's talents. I just have these moments where I just think to myself "what the f*ck am I doing". I mean, I am told this is normal and many parents feel this or have similar thoughts but like honestly what am I doing. Is what I am doing right? like I don't know. There is no user manual for your specific child, there isn't even a user manual for a child in general, just any child as a generalisation. Like parenthood is scary! I do feel though that although sometimes I feel like this, at least everyone is in the same book, and I don't think I am doing a terrible job. Well I hope I am not doing a terrible job! I know that she is advanced and her speech has come on so much in the last month, so I can’t be doing that bad of a job!
Although, one thing that has really gotten to me recently and this is something that I have thought about myself for a while. I really don't have a lot of body confidence and by that I mean, like I know I'm not a skinny mini, and to be honest I wouldn't want to be. Do I need to lose some weight, sure. But I have gotten into a really bad habit of putting myself down because of it and something that has really gotten me thinking is the fact that I really need to change the way I view myself. Like yeah I diet, and I try to lose the weight that I want but I am a sucker for food, like I love it. But I was talking to my friend and she said that she overheard a child, and they couldn't have been much older than Aurora say, "I don't want to wear nappies they make me look fat". Right, now it is one thing for me to stand in front of the mirror or say in a "jokey" way - "I'm a fat f*ck". But for a child a little older than Aurora to be saying that, really shocked me and to be honest I don't want Aurora to think that way about herself. So I have enlisted some trusted friends of mine to make me aware of when I am publicly putting myself down, so that at least then if I am more aware that I am doing it then I should (in theory) be able to stop myself. Not only that but in private too, like I am going to stop it, try to anyway. It really isn't necessary and although I don’t think that it will never stop completely - don't get me wrong I am not so naive that I think that I am going to wake up tomorrow morning and love absolutely everything about myself. There is always going to be something. But at the end of the day, I want to be a positive role model for Aurora and not let my personal issues cloud her views of herself. Or other people to be honest. I want her to grow up to be confident and kind. Not self-criticising and bitter (not that I think I am!)
In other news, Taylor Swift’s new album is bangin' and the handful songs that I judged the whole album on was unfair, like yeah give me Reputation vibes but this album is cute and has actually really cheered me up over the last week, made me think that actually I am not going to become Bridget Jones the spinster. So thanks Tay Tay you have done it again!
Sorry for the overshare - but I just felt like I needed to get that off my chest. I promise a more lively and upbeat post next week! So stay tuned - but in the meantime her are some beautiful pictures of my Rory!
Many thanks, sincerely
Peace Out ✌🏼